Nahi Hua : The story of the fallen

 It is “that” day of the year when the hashtag #UPSC trends everywhere on social media. Because it’s the day when the UPSC releases what is so divinely referred to as the “holy pdf.” Your name in the pdf takes you to a pedestal from where everything seems so small. The feeling of being one of the chosen few to run a complex country like ours is truly unmatchable. Your friends, family, knows, unknowns start looking up to you as some kind of a messiah. Phone calls, texts, celebrations, it all becomes so much that things start to seem unmanageable for the next few days. 

But this post is not for the ones who have managed to qualify this “one of the toughest and prestigious exams” in the country but for those who couldn’t. For those who were almost there. For those whose names have been wiped out from the final merit list. I will not call them as someone who wasted their prime time of their youth because they suffered from “poverty of aspirations.” I write this so that they can be heard better. So that they could understand that they are not alone. And also because I want them to understand, that failing is not the end of journey, but failing to get up and fight again, is.

I happened to visit Old Rajinder Nagar last week. The so called “Mecca of UPSC.” It is a compact urban locality housing thousands of aspirations. You throw a stone and it would most probably land up on a random aspirant with “The Hindu/Indian express” in his hands. Millions of books/coaching materials line up your way as you move from one end of the Bada Bazar road to the other. People are living in those compact and mostly unhygienic lanes in a matchbox sized apartment, eating mentally/physically degrading food and attending classes like a bunch of grazing sheep. At a young age they sacrifice the comfort of their homes just to find their name in the “holy pdf.”

And what happens when after compelling oneself through the gruelling process of Prelims, Mains and interview one doesn’t make it to the services? It all comes crashing down like a house of cards. The successful have the shoulders of many to climb on and celebrate. But the unsuccessful many times lack even a single shoulder to shed their tears on. I can say this because I have been through this, twice in my life. And I understand that howsoever comfort someone might be offered in their hard times, the suffering is purely individual . It is the one undergoing that pain alone understands what he is going through. The next few days seem like some sort of delusion. One feels as if it’s just a bad dream that is soon about to end. But with time he realises that it’s actually not the case. And no amount of wailing changes the reality(trust me i’ve tried doing that).

On top of that, i have always found Indian society to be an unforgiving one. You qualify an exam, you’re a hero(even though grudgingly for many) but you fail an exam and you’re done. I remember many of my relatives used to call me to ask my results knowingly that I have failed to qualify (the pdf is a public document). There is some kind of sadistic pleasure they felt on hearing “nahi hua.” I used to uninstall all social media from my phone. Because I used to be jealous. Jealous that I could not get to a place where the others have, the ones who are being constantly hailed as the “epitome of hard work and perseverance.” I used to question “what about my hard work?”, “Did I not work hard?” ,“Have I not made sacrifices enough to be where I wanted to be?” 

Eventually I realised not all questions in life can be answered . Sometimes some things are purely inexplicable. On 24th September 2021, when the results were announced by UPSC and I had failed twice to get through I received a call from someone i consider my elder brother and i said “bhaiya nahi hua.” I still remember those lines that he had then said to me. He quoted lines from a commentary on the Bhagwat Geeta -

पुरुष बली नहि होत है । समय होत बलवान । भीलन लूटी गोपियाँ वहि अर्जुन वहि बान ।

He said “Utkarsh tumhara waqt is samay balwan nahi hai.” And it stuck with me. It is not to claim that incompetence can be blamed on stroke of luck. But it is equally true that the sometimes some people are just lucky and you are not. They just happen to be the right person at the right place and at the right time. 

The next few nights were no less than an ordeal. They were filled with pain and tears . And I can feel that today would be a night when many who were till yesterday dreaming to be a civil servant, will fail to sleep. And no amount of “philosophical gyan” or consolation will be able to fill the void that they must be feeling today. And on top of that, the fear and anxiety of facing the prelims looming at their faces makes the situation worser. 

But it is here that I would give them the talisman that was given to me by a service senior of mine. He said “Utkarsh is exam mein tumhe bas tikey rehna hai. Aur apni baari ka wait karna hai.” That gave me a lot of courage. I decided that maybe I couldn’t study, maybe my mind was not at the right place, but atleast I could hold my ground. That is what each one of you, who has failed to make it through has to do for the time being. Just hold your ground. Everyone can be tough during the normal times, but to be a rock in the face of failure requires monumental strength. And it is these people who refuse to give up when life bends them to their knees emerge out with smashing victories. To somewhat tweak the French writer Victor Hugo’s words so as to fit in here- “There is no power in this world that can stop a man whose time has come.” So hold tight and wait for “your” time to come. 

I shall not make it a long post because as I have already mentioned, no amount of words shall be enough to fill the gap between one’s aspirations of yesterday and the reality of today. But I shall leave you with the lines of kunwar narayan that reverberate within me every time i find myself at a place where you all are -

दुर्गम वनों और ऊँचे पर्वतों को जीतते हुए
जब तुम अंतिम ऊँचाई को भी जीत लोगे—
जब तुम्हें लगेगा कि कोई अंतर नहीं बचा अब
तुममें और उन पत्थरों की कठोरता में
जिन्हें तुमने जीता है—

जब तुम अपने मस्तक पर बर्फ़ का पहला तूफ़ान झेलोगे
और काँपोगे नहीं—
तब तुम पाओगे कि कोई फ़र्क़ नहीं
सब कुछ जीत लेने में
और अंत तक हिम्मत न हारने में......

Yours,

once a UPSC aspirant…